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Data log capture: Private. Johna Signas

The ground was sandy and rippled up between the heavy metal boots as Johnas walked tirelessly in the blazing hot sun. The space marine armor that he wore kept him from over heating as he marched carrying the heavy bolter he had been assigned for this mission. Behind him the huge treads of a whirlwind tank rumbled as it moved steadily though the sandy terrain. The commander who stood to the right of Johna and his fellow devastator squad members barked though the intercom located within his helmet to halt the march. The line of marching marines stopped. Two tactical squads to his left and two to his right, one being the command squad of the mission. Behind him and to his right stood three death company members armored in their red and black painted armor. Johnas could hear them all resiting scriptures in meaningless attempts

to keep themselves from fully succumbing to the black rage. The commander again barked over the comm this time ordering the land speeder that had been hovering just behind the line to move forward and scout the right flank. Jhonas tightened his grip on the heavy bolter as the land speeder speed off to the right. Within seconds of moving away into the sandy storm that was beginning to kick up, a message was heard over the comm link. “Commander, we’ve got incoming.” The land speeder moving backward and firing it’s heavy bolter and assault cannon returned to the line. The commander shouted battle commands and the line tightened up, unleashing a blaze of fire into the direction from which the speeder had come. The wirlwind fired blindly into the dusty storm, explosions from its massive shells sounds like little more than pops against the rumble of fire that erupted from the battle line. After thirty seconds of fire the commander shouted for a cease fire. All fell scilent for a brief moment as the commander hailed the land speeder crew, “Sargent what exactly were we firing on?”, Hesitating for a brief moment the Sargent responded, “Tyranids commander” as if on cue the the sand storm that has been blocking viability began to settle and in the far right distance a cloud of dust could be seen moving in their direction, and at the head of this cloud of smoke was a glittering line of tallons and claws. Tyranid gene stealers and other such abominations. Johnas gave a prayer up to their patriarch and readied his weapon, his fellow squad members taking up firing positions around the Sargent of the squad. Shouts and screams were heard as the death company members, now seeing the enemy lost all control and charged blindly towards the aliens two of them reving their chain swords and firing their bolt pistols, the third dropping both his weapons in favor of running arms out stretched reaching, like some hungry beast charging towards a meal. The commander shouted at them to hold the line, but it was already to late, for they had fully succumb to the black rage and now only longed for death, their enemies and their own. As the charging dust cloud came closer Johnas waited for his commander to give the order to fire, and then it came, but this time he had some thing to shoot at. He watched as bolter fire ripped apart the aliens flesh sending it flying through the air. The death company met head on with the charging beasts and the other marines watched as one by one they were cut down, haven take only two aliens with them. Johnas kept his bolter firing watching as the burning bolts cut away alien flesh send it flying into pink and green mists. The fury of their barrage was enough to cut through the entire front line of the oncoming aliens.

As the mist settled and the bolter fire dwindled all that could be seen was the shredded bodies of the Tyranid advance, but just as Johnas began to lift up a prayer to Sanguineous the earth again began to tremble and there was a battle cry heard from the right side of the line. Johnas looked to where the fallen Tyranids lay and saw that there was another wave of the beasts approaching, but this time the wave was splitting into two groups, one was veering off to the right heading towards Johnas and his fellow space marines while the other was heading left and parallel to their position. Jhonas quickly moved to ready his weapon, but as he brought it to bear a bright flash of green energy made him suddenly look left. Through the dust a dark green shadow appeared hovering above the sandy wasteland, and as jhonas looked deeper into this shadow he was horrified to see the expressionless, robotic faces of one of the most hated races and disdained enemies of the empire, Necrons.Their metallic bodies stepped forward from the green darkness and brought to bear their gauche weapons. The green energy held within them plated off their silver skeletons and made them look like deamons sent from the deepest levels of the warp. The Necrons had appeared no more than one hundred feet from the left flank of the line and Johnas watched as they simply ignored his fellow space marines and opened fire on the charging Tyranids. The green fire that blazed from their weapons ripped the aliens atom from atom. Johnas watched as the layers of their bodies each melted away against the onslaught. Suddenly Johnas saw a flash of bolter fire from out of the corner of his eye as on his fellow marines on the left flank opened fire on the Necrons. Bolter fire ripped through two of the Necron warriors felling them both in two, but as Johnas looked on, he watched as the two that had fallen slowly pulled themselves back together, stood up and continued to fight.

The Necron lord who was the tallest of the metallic monsters turned his head and looked at the marines’ battle line. A dark greenish fire appeared in his eyes and jumped from them to the bladed staff that he carried, engulfing it in the flame, then he and the rest of the Necrons vanished into a pitch black cloud of darkness. All was silent for a moment, and then to the left of where Johnas was standing screams of pain and death were heard. He looked to see what was happening and was shocked to see that the Necrons had appeared to the left flank and opened fire. Johnas watched as private christopen’s helmet took a direct hit and slowly dissolved revealing his face which was then in turn dissolved in greenish fire, first the skin, then the mussel , then the bone, and all every thing held within, until only a headless body remained. Johnas moved to ready his weapon and fire at the clustered squad of Necron warriors, but as soon quickly as they had appeared then then vanished into the darkness again. Johnas then realized his heavy bolter was out of ammunition and needed reloading, the rest of the squad was already in the process of doing just that and he suddenly saw why, a hoard of Tyranid Gene stealer’s was heading strait for them closing in fast, they had only moments to reload and open fire or they would be ripped apart by the Gene Stealer’s razer sharp talons. There was a shout from his left and he watched as the Sargent of the squad to their left rushed his men into the path of the oncoming aliens shouting, “For the Emperor!” Johnas knew that the Sargent and his men would not last more then a few moments in close combat with the beasts, but understood why they were doing it. By sacraficing themselves to slow down the charging aliens it might just give him and his fellow squad enough time to reload and open fire on the aliens before being ripped apart themselves. Bolters were being fired from every other squad and the whirlwind fired rockets almost continuously, but Johnas could hear nothing as he finish reloading his heavy bolter in time to watch the the squad that had moved into the path of the oncoming Gene Stealer’s explode into a shower of blood and metal. Not a marine from that squad was left standing, or in one piece, but their sacrifice allowed Johnas and he fellow devastators to reload and unleash a furry of bolter fire into the gruesome beasts. Not an alien was left standing.

The battle ragged on and on, as Johnas and his fellow marines laid down bolter fire into any Tyranids foolish enough to get to close. As the Tyranid lines began to dwindle, the commander pipped up over the intercom and ordered the land speeder to a position two clicks north west of their position. That’s where it was located, the power cell that they needed to get off this dreadful planet they had found themselves on. The land speeder rushed off kicking up a cloud of dust as it did so. As it moved forward it was greeted with a shower of green energy fire from a group of necrons that had been hiding in the sandstorm. The blasts rebounded off the side of the ships hull causing it to swerve and weave but it kept on moving. Johnas and the other marines watched breathlessly as the speeder kept moving. As it neared the power cell, a dark shadow suddenly appeared from withing the dust cloud and from it sprang a huge spiked talon, the land speeder did not have anytime to maneuver out of the way. It connected head on with the outstretched claw. The speeder split into two pieces both bursting into flames, and both exploding into a thousand tines pieces. The marines watched as from behind the wreckage an innumerable amount of black and sliver Necron warriors moved towards them. The commander spoke over the intercom in a calm yet impassioned tone “It has been an honor serving with you fine marines.” The commander moved his squad into the front of the line and with one look across it, he turned, raised his chain sword to the sky and cried, “Charged!” Johnas, dropped his heavy bolter, and drawing his combat knife and crying sanguines name, ran towards the green wave of energy that rushed towards him.

….

(Hear the sound and alarm clock going off. See Wrathgar awaking from a deep sleep in his tent and rubbing his eyes groggily. )

::Blink:: ::BlinkBlink::…
Wrathgar: What an odd dream…

::Blink:: ::BlinkBlink::

Wrathgar: O well!

(See Wrathgar role over and return to snoring loudly)

*Static hear melody of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon*

Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Wrathgar’s Coffee Hour. I must apologize to our viewers for my longer than usual absence, but I was raiding the English coast line and ran into a little trouble with the Kings army. Now, without going into a lengthy dissertation about the events that transpired let me just say that the king is going to need a new army. (He chuckles to himself and whispers) ::Silly English bastards:: but Anyhoo… I thought that since the full moon was fast approaching that this week it would be interesting the discuss the effects of the moons cycles on people emotions. That is to say, to be fair, the “Supposed” effects of the moon on peoples emotions. Now I’m not saying that I don’t think the moon effects people I’m just trying to be fair for those of you who may believe otherwise. Now, to lay out this topic for discussion I will pose the following statement for analysis. (Clears his throat) When the moon is full is it said that peoples emotions change and can some times become exaggerated. Now I know this to be true, I mean when the moon is full I raid at least 20-30 more villages a week then when it’s waxing or waining. Ok… it’s time for the first caller! (Phone rings) Hello you’re on the air with Wrathgar…

Caller: Hi… um… is this … hehe… Wrathgar?

Wrathgar: Yes this is he.

Caller: Well my name is frank, and… haha… I know that when the moon is full… that I do strange things…

Wrathgar: Please explain caller.

Caller: You see… when the moon is full…(Pauses) I like to… um… hehe…

Wrathgar: (Sounding a little annoyed) Drink to much? come on and get to the point here, you’re wasting precious air time…

Caller: Oh, sorry, well… hehe… I like to… to…

Wrathgar: Yes?

(Beat)

Caller: PAINT MYSELF PURPLE AND DANCE NAKED IN THE WOODS!!! (LAUGHS MANICALLY!)…(Stops)

(Silence)

Wrathgar: Um…(A click as he disconnects the line) next caller… Hi, you’re on the air.

Caller 2: (A very beautiful female voice) Hello Wrathgar this is Lauren… how are you?

Wrathgar: (Deepening his voice as to sound more manly) Oh, well I’m… veeery well… how be-eth you ma’lady?

Caller 2: (Her voice sounds even more beautiful and now bleeds sexual tention) I’m fine, I just wanted to call and tell you how much I love your show, and… how much I love you…
Wrathgar: Well I’m always glad to hear from…

Caller 2: (Cutting him off) You see, I dream about you every night, I want to meet you… take you into my room..

Wrathgar: (Sounding really excited) YES!?

Caller 2: …take off all your battle armor, and my clothes…

Wrathgar: (Sounding as though he jumping out of his seat) YESSS!?

Caller 2:… then tie you down and beat you with wet fishy salmon!

Wrathgar: YESS… wait… what?

Caller: That’s right, beat all of your rock hard body with wet fishy salmon until you scream like a little girl (Giggles)

Wrathgar: I… I…Whaaat? (Click as he disconnects the line)

*A bell rings*

Well folks it looks like this is all the time we have, thanks for tuning in this week. Tune in next week when when I shall be discussing how to get a restraining order against creepy fish loving women. EEeyaa…Crazy weird-o’s…

( Hear… Outro of Pink Floyd’s Brain damage)

*Static… insert music from The Doors and Beethoven’s fifth symphony*

Hello and welcome to another exciting instalment of Wrathgar’s coffee hour. I am as always your host Wrathgar the Warlord. *Insert growling tiger sound clip* (He chuckles) Well today we shall be hearing an excerpt from one of my latest books entitled the art of pillaging. This book covers what I believe to be the most important ideals and items to consider while on the… (Pauses to find the right word)… ah yes, rampage. (He chuckles again) This reading comes from the fifth chapter entitled “Burn it to the ground?”

“…In the good old days of pillaging it was quite common practice to ransack a village kidnap all its women kill most of its men then burn it to the ground, but in recent years it has come to my attention that this practice is rather unproductive. While kidnapping most of a villages female population and killing a majority of its male is logical both in its mental and physical gratifications, burning the village does little more than make it less realistic to ransack the village again in the future because the people left after the raid will either die because every thing was burned or move some where else and be harder to find next time you wish to raid them. Leaving the village intact allows them to rebuild the town from initial destruction (combat and other such related damages) and then after little time be back up and running and primed for another raid by you…”

(He pauses for a moment) The lines will now be open for callers question and comments. (The phone rings)

Wrathgar: First caller you’re on the air with Wrathgar

Caller: Hello, yes, this is Sir Willington again, I was wondering now after hearing you excerpt why you found it necessary to both kidnap my wife and burn down my village, does this not mean you’re contradicting yourself?

Wrathgar: No it just means I don’t like you, it’s all covered in chapter six the follow up to chapter five entitled “It’s OK to burn if they cause you to spurn” *Click* Next caller, Hi you’re on the air with Wrathgar

Caller: Hi Wrathgar my name is Samantha and I’ve got this problem with my boy friend. He always used to want to go out raiding and pillaging but now all he does is sit around and read vogue and Cosmopolitan. What should I do?

Wrathgar: Well Samantha, this problem sound like the perfect example for my ninth chapter entitled “So your viking is a fegala, kill him in his sleep and marry his father” Pick up a copy at your local book store and give it a read. I’m sure it will give you plenty of ideas on how to solve your current predicament.

(Alarm rings) Well folks that looks like all the time we have left for today, Join us next time when I’ll be discussing the wonders of disembowelment. Good night and may Thor watch over you.

(Outro of more Doors and Beethoven melodies)

*Static* (Insert a melody of music from The Vikings and The Who)

This is a picture of my beard durring one of my many raids of the English coast.

This is a picture of my beard durring one of my many raids of the English coast.

Hello and welcome to Wrathgar (The Warlord’s) Coffee hour. I am your host Wrathgar the Warlord. Today on the show we have some very interesting topics to discuss, the first of which is my beard. It is quite glorious. *Phone rings* Ah it would appear that we have our first caller.

Caller: Hello is this Wrathgar

Wrathgar: Yes caller, your on the air and we’re discussing my beard and how wonderful it is, your thoughts?

Caller: Actually my name is Sir Willington and you and your band of fellow vikings raided my town last night and kidnapped my wife. I was wondering if I could have her ba-

*The Call cuts off*

(Chuckles) I’m sorry about that folks some times even with the screenings the crazies get through…

*Signal cuts out*…

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